Jokes

Canadian
Jokes

 

 

1.

 

A first grade
teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to
raise their hands if they were American too.

Not really knowing
why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like
flashy fireworks.

There is, however,
one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks
her why she has decided to be different. “Because I am not an
American.”

“Then”,
asks the teacher, “what are you?”

“I’m a proud
Canadian,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a
little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a
Canadian. “Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian
too.”

The teacher is now
angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom
was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

A pause, and a smile.
“Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be an American.”

 

 

 

2.

 

A Jewish person, an
American and a Canadian were riding in a car together and were involved in a
very bad accident. The ambulance took them all to hospital together but they
were just barely alive….as a matter of fact all three expired in the same
operating room while doctors were working on them.

Suddenly the three
of them appeared in the clouds at St. Peters Gate and as they approached, St.
Peter gestured to the American and said, “If you give me fifty dollars
I’ll send you back….you are too young to be up here so soon.”

The American
whipped out fifty bucks and….poof! He jumped off the operating table in perfect
conition! Not a scratch on him. The doctors were amazed and asked him how come?

He said that all he
knew is that the three of them were “up there” with St. Peter and
when St. Peter asked him for fifty bucks to send him back….he paid it
and….poof! Here he was!

The doctors
couldn’t help but be amazed and asked him, “You say those other two were
up there with you?” (They were on the next two operating tables in the
room) The American said “Yes they were.”

The doctors then
asked him, “Well what about them? Are they coming back too? What were they
doing when you left?”

The American said,
“Well, all I can say is when I looked back at them just before I left the
Jew was arguing about the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government
to pay for his!”

 

 

 

3.

 

Three men
were traveling in Europe and happened to meet at a bar in London. One man was
from England, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and
started talking about their problems with their wives.

 

The guy from
England began by saying: “I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from
now on she would have to do the cooking. Well the first day after I told her, I
saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came
home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine
and even dessert.”

 

Then the man
from France spoke up: “I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on
she would have to do all the shopping, and also do the cleaning. The first day
I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came
home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled
with groceries.

 

The fellow
from Canada was married to an enlightened woman from the prairies… He sat up
straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: “I gave my wife
a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking,
shopping and housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I
still saw nothing. But on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left
eye …”

 

 

4.

 

A
Russian, a American and a Canadian are out riding horses. The Russian pulls out
an expensive bottle of vodka, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws
the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air. The
American looks at him and says, (What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good
bottle of Vodka!) The Russian says, (In Russia, there’s plenty of Vodka and
bottles are cheap.)

A
while later, not wanting to be outdone, the American pulls out a bottle of
Whiskey, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and
shoots it. The guy from Canada can’t believe this and says, (What did you do
that for? That was an expensive bottle of Whiskey!)

The
American says (In America there’s plenty of Whiskey and bottles are cheap.)

So a
while later the guy from Canada pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes
a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back
in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the American.

The
Russian, shocked, says, (Why did you do that?)

The Canadian
says, (Well, in Canada, we have plenty of Americans, but bottles are worth a
dime.)

 

 

5.

 

A
truly Canadian Apology to the USA, courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has
22 Minutes, CBC Television:

 

Hello.
I’m Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.

 

On
behalf of Canadians everywhere I’d like to offer an apology to the United
States of America. We haven’t been getting along very well recently and for
that, I am truly sorry. I’m sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron,
but it wasn’t nice of us to point it out. If it’s any consolation, the fact
that he’s a moron shouldn’t reflect poorly on the people of America. After all,
it’s not like you actually elected him.

 

I’m
sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you,
doesn’t give us the right to sell you lumber that’s cheaper and better than
your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television
audeince we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we
could produce. I know you’d never do that.

 

I’m
sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be
that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology,
please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business
and moving to your fine country.

 

I’m
sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you’re going up against a crazed
dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more
than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was
different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

 

I’m
sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you’ve rebuilt
it! It’s very nice.

 

I’m
sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from
Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had
nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

 

And
finally on behalf of all Canadians, I’m sorry that we’re constantly apologizing
for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled
criticism. I sincerely hope that you’re not upset over this. Because we’ve seen
what you do to countries you get upset with.

 

For 22
minutes, I’m Anthony St. George, and I’m sorry.

 

 

 

 

6.

 

Everyone
knows the story of God creating the world in 6 days, and resting on the
7th….well on the 8th day, God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said:
“Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of
outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of
mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and
trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches
with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.”

 

God
continued, “I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the
inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall
be known as the most friendly people on the earth.”

 

“But
Lord,” asked Gabriel, “don’t you think you are being too generous to
these Canadians?”

 

“Not
really,” replied God, “just wait and see the neighbours I am going to
give them.”

 

 

7.

 

A little boy wanted
$100.00 
very badly and prayed for 
weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to
write God a 
letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal
authorities received 
the letter to God , CANADA, they 
decided to send it to
the Prime Minister

The Prime Minister
was so amused 
that he instructed his secretary to 
send the little boy a $5.00
bill.

The Prime Minister
thought this would 
appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was
delighted with the 
$5.00 bill and sat down to write a 
thank-you note to God,
which read:

Dear God: Thank you very
much for 
sending the money. However, I noticed 
that for some reason you sent
it through OTTAWA, CAN and those assholes 
deducted $95.00 in taxes.

 

 

8.

 

An American, a Japanese
and a Canadian were sitting naked in a sauna when suddenly there was a beeping
sound.

 

The American pressed his
forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
“That was my pager he said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my
arm.”


 

A few minutes later a
phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he
explained “That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my
hand.”



 

The Canadian felt
decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something
just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He
returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised
their eyebrows and stared at him. The Canadian finally said “Well, will
you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”

 

 

9.

 

50°F – New Yorkers try to
turn on the heat. Canadians plant gardens.



40°F – Californians shiver
uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe.



35°F – Italian cars won’t
start. Canadians drive with the windows down.



32°F – Distilled water
freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.



20°F – Floridians wear
coats, gloves & wool hats. Canadians throw on a t-shirt.



15°F – Californians begin
to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming.



0°F – New York landlords
finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the last cook-out before it gets
cold.



-10°F – People in Miami
cease to exist. Canadians lick flag poles to see if their tongue will stick.



-20°F – Californians fly
away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a light jacket.



-40°F – Hollywood
disintegrates. Canadians rent some videos.



-60°F – Mt. St. Helens
freezes. Canadian Girl Guides begin selling cookies door to door.



-80°F – Polar bears begin
to evacuate Antarctica. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone “Winter
Survival” classes until it gets cold enough.



-100°F – Santa Claus
abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps.



-173°F – Ethyl alcohol
freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg.



-297°F – Microbial life
survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold
hands.



-460°F – ALL atomic motion
stops. Canadians start saying “Cold ’nuff for ya?”



-500°F – Hell freezes
over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

 

 

 

10.

 

A Canadian is someone who
drinks Brazilian coffee from an English teacup and munches a French pastry
while sitting on their Danish furniture having just come home from an Italian
movie in their German car. 



 

He/She picks up their
Japanese pen and writes to their Member of Parliament to complain about the
American take-over of the Canadian publishing business.

 

 

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One Response to Jokes

  1. sakooter says:

    salams. wassup?

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